The Nasty History of the Buttocks

I believe it was back in the early nineteen seventies that the town of McCraea of the north coast of Kansas first began to notice that some of the little girls weren’t coming home. Little Katy Macintosh was twelve years old when her mother sent her off to school with a packed lunch wrapped in plastic and waxpaper and sealed in her Bionic Woman Lunchbox. It is believed that Katie took a trip though the forest between her neighbourhood and the Western Valley Junior High School she attended.

She was never heard from again.

Three months later some boys hunting rabbits came upon Katie’s bionic woman lunchbox. The peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches were still wrapped in the plastic and waxpaper. KATIE HAD NEVER EATEN HER LUNCH.

Four days after the disappearance came repeated sightings of a massive pair of lard-filled buttocks crawling around the putskirts of the town. The smell was intolerable. Truck drivers, police officer, crop dusters and local drunks all reported the huge buttocks.

A town meeting was called but the mayor disappeared mysteriously the night before. Huge buttocks were seen crawling along the night streets. Why were these buttocks out and about on their own? Why did their owner let them out on their own?

Later in the high summer the partially decomposed body of the mayor was found. He’d been eaten alive!!!

Over the next eighteen months 37 little girls were reported missing from the town. Of the thirty seven only a few bows and teddy bears were found. To this day no-one knows what had become of them. But still the sightings of huge and ominous buttocks abounded.

We have the one of the few eyewitness accounts from survivor Trudy Young:

I was a young girl of ten. I was innocent and wide-eyed. I loved my parents and was very happy at school with my clarinet lessons and playing doctor with Simon Vanders on Friday afternoon.

One day after a very rigorous session with Simon. My friend Brenda and I were walking home together laughing at the things all little girls laugh at: the shape of Mr. Norris’s nose, the funny skits on Sesame Street, the look on Mrs Fitzpatrick’s cat’s face when we tied firecrackers to its tail and lit them, how big Simon’s thing had grown since last summer and funny faces he made when we milked it for him. You know just innocent fun.

Suddenly we realised it was dark and a rank smell filled the air. It was like a fart only much worse – thicker and more revolting. Brenda vomited. THEN I SAW THEM. They seemed to move by oozing constantlyexpanding andd pulsing down the road. I told Brenda get up Brenda GET UP. We have to run.

Run we did but the buttocks were very fast. They were gaining on us, gaining on us. We were almost home but Brenda tripped and fell. Help me

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