CHAPTER TWO

Last week we left Trudy and Brenda facing the Huge and Hideous Buttocks of Graeme Bird. What will happen? Will Trudy save Brenda? Will they both perish because of the insatiable appetites of two very hideous and evil buns. Find out….NOW.

‘Help me!’ screamed Brenda, ‘Help me Trudy please!!!’

The huge buttocks lurched down the road toward Brenda and me! The rolled over and over, the enormous layers of flab folding one over the other. As it came closer I said to Brenda, ‘Get up! Come on RUN Brenda, Brenda run.’

‘I can’t,’ said Brenda, ‘I think my leg is broke, I can’t get up.’ I was beside myself as I looked at my helpless friend’s fear stricken face. I thought of all the good times we’d had together. The nice presents she’d bought me for my birthdays over the years, all of the wonderful toys and clothes she had in her bedroom.

Then I got a bright idea!!

Brenda, quick toss me your keys?

‘What for,’ she said. ‘Help me.’

The buttocks were now a mere twenty metres from us and the stench was overwhelming. I wretched, suppressing an urge to vomit. ‘Quick,’ I said, ‘give me your fucking keys Brenda I know how we can defeat that monster.’

‘Okay’, said Brenda and she tossed me her house keys. The buttocks oozed closer. I could see now they were covered with hundreds of giant zits. The yellow heads of the zits bubbled and chocked plumes of a noxious brown smoke. Large, black hairs covered the pulsating flab of the buttocks and a dark amber oily substance oozed from the tips.

Just then a tank appeared. Boom, boon. Rat-a-tat-tat. Its cannon, its machine guns gave the buttocks the full force of their fury. They strafed the corrupted flesh of the huge and evil bum which seemed to flinch all over its gratuitous mass but still came on down the road toward the helpless screaming Brenda.

‘Help me Trudy’, cried Brenda, ‘Help me. Help me.’

‘Sorry girlfriend’, I remember saying, twirling the keys around, ‘but I’m going to help myself first. Hard luck. Eat shit and die.’

‘Get fucked you bitch’ was the last words to come out of Brenda’s mouth as the buttocks reached her shoes. she screamed: No, No, No, PLEASE NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Her body jolted in toward the orifice amidst the bilious mass of foul protoplasm and her last scream cut short as the buttocks consumed her in a large belching gulps.

The tank fired again but the buttocks only swelled. By this time I had run to the safety of a nearby tree. Out of sight of buttocks and tank. I sat down, retrieving some fantales and began to watch the events for pleasure. The buttocks retaliated against the tank. The pulsating pustules of poisonous paste burst open and let fly masses of pus at the tank. These pimples had acid for pus!!!! The tank began to decay and smoke toxic fumes right away. I could hear the screams of the men inside as the tank decayed. The buttocks belched a thick cloud of semi-solid vapour into the air and retreated towards the forest. As i watched it go I reminded myself that Brenda’s parents would be home in an hour so I better get over their right away if I wanted to pinch her stuff.

Just then a large, hairy and muscular man appeared. He was a soldier but his uniform had been burnt off him. He stood before me wearing only his helmet, his boots, his rifle and a maroon lace g-string from Elle.

His eyes pierced into mine and he said….

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